| to love ya gotta let go. |
[28 Dec 2007|01:54pm] |
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britney - (to love) let go |
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i haven't updated this in awhile but i'm feeling mildly inspired this afternoon to do so.
i've been at apple for about two months now. it's going well. i'm still working one day a week at urban but with each passing shift i'm finding i know less and less about the store and its employees. i suppose it was bound to happen.
new year's is in a few days and my plans still stand in limbo since toronto was pushed to mlk day.
i'm watching so many people i know become shells of their former selves. it's sad to me because they used to be such important pieces of my life. i'll always love them for who they were and who they could be now. but i've been let down too many times to know that i shouldn't expect anything less than their most selfish actions. but maybe this is who they want to be and if so i don't want them in my life at all. at all.
all these years we've been hurting we have to look inside and try to let go.
i love my new computer, my family and some of my friends and those waiting for me in new york.
one more semester.
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[28 Nov 2007|12:25am] |
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all i want is one moment to myself where i'm not haunted by others' demands. soon, i hope.
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[28 Nov 2007|12:17am] |
i had something mildly important to say but between the time it took for the window to load and now, the thought has slipped my mind.
wait it's back. in the past few years i've only had a few legitimately embarrassing moments. for some reason [mainly this weekend because one kind of occurred though not to the extent of the other times] i've spent today kind of dwelling on these experiences. dancing in wisconsin, shameless advances in new york, presentations in my film class, and a recovered memory which may not have even happened though i'm sure similar situations did.
i never get any sleep and i'm so sick of school.
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[26 Nov 2007|09:55am] |
i'm trying desperately to write my research final but all i can think about is how in two and a half weeks i'll be back in new york. i want to be there now. i'm not kidding i made some of my best friends over this summer and i want them back now please.
sidenote, i had the best thanksgiving of my life this year to where i was moved to tears within five minutes of picking my grandparents up. my family is simply amazing.
another sidenote, i love my job at apple and when boys flirt with me, even if i blush way too much.
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[21 Nov 2007|04:36pm] |
i just read through our summer blog and man do i miss summer 2007. we led such fabulous lives.
and we will again starting may 2008.
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[13 Nov 2007|02:45am] |
wait,
there’s something I gotta say to you.
something I’ve always wanted to, always on my mind.
please, don’t put it all on me, it was never meant to be, I gave in too easily.
and I’m scared, and I’m tired; I don’t wanna fight.
I can’t change the world, I haven’t got the nerve.
and I’m wrong and I’m right; but it’s set in stone.
did you ever love somebody so, you turn around and let them go?
I’ll take the long way home..
I’ll take the long way home..
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| are my lips unkissable? |
[12 Nov 2007|12:19am] |
i've had a good day and nobody to tell about it.
i talked to my parents about some major changes in my life and they're super supportive. i'm getting a new computer for christmas, it has been decided. though they let me know it's all i'll be getting. which is what i expected. i'm just happy they went for the idea.
i'm also moving to new york in april. i've been telling myself this for awhile now but it wasn't until today when my parents fully stood behind me in my decision that it feels real. we went over all of my options and they all place me back in the city after my finals. it's like my future dreams and plans are going to pan out. victory: corey.
i'm eating caramel apple caramel corn and i'm not liking it.
we had an apple holiday meeting tonight and i don't really feel like elaborating but i've got some things on my mind. and i guess more than just the meeting. life gets weird sometimes. yeah, weird.
i made a fall playlist last week in lieu of cleaning my apartment and it's brought some fantastic songs back into my life. but with those songs come the memories.
if I sound angry, bitter, sad, infatuated, it's the truth.
denial, anger, bargaining, depression, just a few stages of acceptance that it's really over.
It's just so complicated, I'm stupid for believing in you.
you make me feel like my father never loved me.
you make me feel like the act of love is empty.
am I so unlovable? is my skin untouchable?
do I remind you of a part of you that you don't like?
I had your back, I held you up, I told you you were good enough.
it was not reciprocated, you kept affection and yourself apart.
you fed your love to me like crumbs to pigeons in the park.
sometimes I think you're satisfied to see me begging like a dog.
I wasn't armored, you were king, I gave my everything because sometimes you showed me just a hint of you.
and then for just a moment I romanticised the notion: I can take away the torment, I can love you like they never did.
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[03 Nov 2007|01:13am] |
my horoscope for this weekend goes as follows:
you can have it your way, whether it's an evening on the town or a change of venue. the only caveat: don't rely on mental telepathy to get your wishes across to others. go ahead and spell it out.
( for all i know )
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[02 Nov 2007|11:49am] |
it's november.
last night i had two equally awful dreams. the first found me living my life two years ago absolutely in tears on my bedroom floor, questioning so much in my life and why being happy hurt so much. it's just a reminder that what i wanted was unattainable.
my second dream found me pregnant, again. i hate these dreams because i'm so freaked out the entire time. there were four of us pregnant, three were boys and one was a girl. as we were on this cruise ship going around the statue of liberty [i kid you not], i came to the realization that i'm seven months along and was going to have to have a c-section in two months. man it was spooky and the father of the child was the guy from ace of cakes. fail all around.
halloween's over and it went pretty okay. tomorrow and sunday i train for apple all day which i think will be fun. i'm just hoping we don't do any role playing.
i'm sleep deprived and the turning of the seasons doesn't feel right.
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[30 Oct 2007|01:44am] |
i can't really explain how i feel tonight but it's something very familiar.
and something i felt four years ago.
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[28 Oct 2007|10:07am] |
last night ann arbor was under nonverbal agreement that we all celebrate halloween four days early.
and we did. and it had the possibility to be a spectacular time. unfortunately, the night came apart at the seams almost immediately.
when i think about the times last night that i was having the most fun i almost draw a blank. there were a couple minutes at the party that i liked. but other than that, i was in a very bad place.
this morning i've been trying to figure out why things when to terribly. i have a few reasons. one places far more blame on myself than the others. i've decided that differing opinions have begun to offend me. however, is it simply differing or does it transcend that into malicious?
it seems like people say things to me in an attempt to rally others to agree and attack my beliefs. almost in a, "no corey, this is what everyone else thinks" sort of way.
or maybe that's just how i perceive it now.
or maybe i'm just more inclined to defend my opinion as opposed to the past 20 years when i was too afraid to speak up.
or maybe it's a combination of the three.
but i think the real reason that last night went so awry and the past few weeks have as well is that i don't fit anymore. there's no space left for the tacky gay friend because relatable subjects are dwindling and others have found a way to pick up the slack. this circle of friends has expanded to a size where we can get lost in the shuffle and i'm beginning to see that this is when i bow out without causing too much of a commotion on the way.
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| I GOT U TO UNDERSTAAAAND. |
[26 Oct 2007|11:44am] |
this week has surely been a whirlwind of ups and downs.
i had a midterm due on monday and for some godforsaken reason i decided to not start it until like 1am monday morning. by 5am i was at the fishbowl not-so-frantically writing it while shopping online. fail.
i then had another midterm on wednesday and i've never walked out of an exam so happy with how it went. i'm not kidding, if i don't get an A [knock on wood], i will cry. after that i got my other exam back that i got an A on so i'm flying pretty high off of school .. for once.
last night wendy and i went to a karaoke going away party and i really need to stop singing karaoke. i'm sure it's painful for everyone around. wendy and i sang a super flat rendition of 'i got u babe'.
our plan to leave at 12:15 was foiled after we were on our fourth drink so we practically closed the elbow room and had to go get diner food to sober up.
at around 3am we ended up at will camp's for his birthday party and sat around listening to club mixes of '80s songs while wendy and will sang along. oh, and current matchbox twenty.
4am I was home and listening to new britney tracks from the UK import of blackout.
for the past week or ao i've been having these vivid dreams at night [and sometimes when i pass out in the slc trying to study] where i'm in love with someone and it feels so warm. the person seems to change each night which was good until last night when it was someone that i know and have a bit of a history with.
what i'm trying to say in all of this is that my head and my heart seem to pull me in two very different directions. it's so cliche i know. but the dissonance isn't good.
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[21 Oct 2007|06:20pm] |
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last night i went to an afterparty at above ground. being my second ~official~ afterparty ever [to my recollection], i had a wild time. it gave me hope that ann arbor isn't all bad.
i'm now sitting at espresso royale on main st. trying to write my midterm without thinking about it too much. i just don't feel that invested in school currently and that makes it hard to care about my film class even in the least.
sometimes i wonder if fate is obvious and that reading between the lines isn't necessary because there's only one. but i sincerely doubt life works that way.
they played everybody at the bar the other night and i pissed myself.
you've got the most unbelievable blue eyes i've ever seen.
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| why i miss new york [part one of 87,238] |
[20 Oct 2007|11:53am] |
the boys, the clothes, the fashion, the nightlife, the people, the jobs, the personalities, the fabulous life, the stores.
i could go on and on. i just feel like i'm missing out on so much as i waste my time in this two bit town.
sorry ann arbor, you're not for me.
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[20 Oct 2007|11:13am] |
my life always has a way of coming full circle, tying up loose ends.
i always get what i want. i just have to bide my time.
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| but when the clock strikes twelve, you'll go home to another man. |
[18 Oct 2007|12:49pm] |
i've been listening to a lot of breakaway era kelly clarkson.
dreaming, living. the two are intertwined in a life of wants and needs. but how do i know when i need and when i want. i remember learning in elementary school that the basic human survival is dependent on food, water, and shelter. but i don't agree. i've been exposed to so much more than those three simple ideas that i can't imagine not living beyond the physical.
but in retrospect, isn't that what i've been doing all along?
who knows. i sure don't.
i'm meeting my father today in a few hours for some members only grocery shopping. i wonder who ever instituted the idea of needing a membership to enter a store to buy their goods? it seems a little redundant but i still appreciate the store's appeal. i like feeling like i belong to something that others can't.
tcf mailed me a new credit card since the number to my old one was stolen. who knew.
i want the familiar. i'm tired of the unknown and it always lets me down. though, i suppose i could say the same for the former as well.
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[18 Oct 2007|01:23am] |
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i've got serious, serious issues with men.
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| to love ya gotta let go. |
[15 Oct 2007|11:28am] |
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music |
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britney spears - let go |
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it's october and i've meaning to get some things out of my head and into cyberspace for quite some time.
being 21 in ann arbor makes for a much better time... to an extent. i had a pretty wild time a few weeks ago and i've since been trying to go out without the same end results. and thus far it has been successful.
i just got back from a weekend wedding in wisconsin [ALLITERATION]. weddings are weird.. or rather this wedding was weird. the bride didn't want any traditional wedding day .. um traditions so we all had to go rollerskating after the ceremony rather than have ANY DANCING AT ALL DURING THE RECEPTION. now i don't remember the last time i rollerskated [or if i ever have] but thankfully i didn't fall. the bride did, in her dress, and it was funny/sad. anyway, as we were skating they were playing these awful, sappy 90's songs and everyone was skating with their significant other.. and then there was me.
and really, it seems natural for me to be alone. during this whole wedding fiasco i kept thinking about how i would want my wedding. and if i could have it my way, it would just be him and i on a beach with an official to oversee the ceremony. i could bring in a few close friends, my sister, maybe my parents [but probably not] and that would be it.
but the question is still if i even get to have a ceremony. if i ever meet someone that i'd like to spend the rest of my life with. i've reached the point where i'm okay with either turnout. while i would be happy finding someone to love for the rest of my life, i'd also be happy being by myself because that's how it's always been. it's a sort of "i don't expect it, but i wouldn't mind it either." because that's me. always the bridesmaid, never the bride.
i went to some "club five" in wisconsin. it was EMPTY aside from some seedy backroom with a lot of simulated sex which i'm sure turned to real sex at one point in the night. i didn't stick around to see that.
i had an awful dream last night that was filled with a lot of yelling. i think this wedding brought me back to a place where i never want to be again. i can't remember any of the good times that he and i shared anymore. all that's left is anger. and i always thought the healing process worked the other way. i suppose these emotions will have the same power to keep me away as someone who has learned to let go on a much more positive note. but that's not me. i want to scream.
it's cold and my music brings me down sometimes.
i've got a new job and 0 friends.
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[13 Sep 2007|11:58am] |
i had a dream about the paparazzi last night.
call me empathetic.
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